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Stuffs wife doesn't use

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about...
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Sad Month

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"

Pee in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"

Generous lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem! You'll love my place, the grass is at least two feet tall!"

Taste Test

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."

Good friends, best friends

"Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh"
"Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry"
"Good friends will bail you out of jail, BEST FRIENDS will be sitting right there next to you going, 'Damn, what did we do?'"
"Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days to live"
"Good friends will help you with your drug problem, BEST FRIENDS are the ones who sold it to you,"
"Good friends will help you move, BEST FRIENDS will help you move the body"
"A best friend can look at you with a smile on your face and ask 'What's wrong?'"

Fun in bed

A girl named Betty asked her very hot mother (with very HUGE breasts) for her to take a shower with her. The hot mother said no. "IF YOU DON'T LET ME TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU MOMMY, I WILL SCREAM SO HARD I WILL TURN BLUE, AND AFTER THAT, I WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME!" Screamed little Betty. So, her mother said yes. "In one condition, you don't look up, nor down." Betty agreed.

Later, in the shower, Betty decided to look up. "What are those BIG things hanging down mommy? They look squishy! Can I touch?" She asked. Her mother responded: "They are... um... flashlights,and no you can't touch them because they're reserved for your father." Bett then looked down, an asked again what it was. "It is um... my garden." she responded. "It loks fluffy, can i pet your garden?" Her mother said no again because it was reserved for her father.

The next day, Betty asked her father if she could take a shower with him. He had a very big penus. He said no and again. Betty repeatd the same thing: "IF YOU DON'T LET ME TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU MOMMY, I WILL SCREAM SO HARD I WILL TURN BLUE, AND AFTER THAT, I WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME!" So, her father said yes in one condition: "Do not lok down."

Later, in the shower, Betty looked down, and saw her father's penus. She asked, "Daddy, what is that? It looks life a hairy sausage!!! Can I take a bite??" Her father responded: "Um.. It's a... um... a snake! And no, you can''t take a bite!!! It's reserved for your mother."

That night, Betty was having a nightmare, so she went into her parents room and saw them having sex. Betty then screamed: "Mommy, Mommy! Turn on your flashlights! A snke is slithering into your garden!"

1000 pounds of dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Three friends

Three very good friends named Barry, John and Rob were stranded on an island. One day they all found a lamp and rubbed it. Lo and behold, a genie apeared and gave each of them one wish.Barry thought for a second and then said,"I wish i lived on a island with twenty hot, horny chicks in a big house." John thought long and hard and then said,"I'm sick of the island so I wish I was in a big city penthouse with a billion dollars." Rob thought very long about what he wanted and then he started to cry. The genie asked,"What on earth is wrong?" Rob replied, still weeping,"I wish my friends were here!"

Lunch pack

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

The Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Great gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Great health plan

Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S.

As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her. Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?"

The doctor calmly explained to the First Lady that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die.

Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.

A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex.

Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.

"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."

100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

Of dogs

three male dogs were at a bar one day when a female dog enters and says 'whoever puts the words liver and cheese into a sentance can take me out' so the first dog says 'i like liver and cheese' the female replies 'thats to boring' the second dog says 'i hate liver and cheese' the female says 'that pointless' the third dog turns around and says liver alone cheese mine

Blonde meets an accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Apples, Chocolates

At the local Catholic school the students were lined up by the cafeteria. Behind the head nun there were alot of apples, and the nun said "Please take ONE, God is watching."
A couple of tables over there was a pile of chocolate chip cookies with a note written by a kid that said, "Take as many as you want, God is watching the apples."

Smart Computer

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

beer facts

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Manners, shut up and trouble

There were three boys named Manners, Shut up and Trouble.
One day, the boys decide to play hide-and-seek. Trouble is on. Manners goes and hides in a tree and Shut up goes and hides in a trash can.
At that moment, a policeman comes up to the trash can to throw away a banana peel. He opens the lid, only to find a boy in there.

The policeman asks, " What are you doing in there, boy?"
Shut up replies, "Playing hide-and-seek, sir."
Intrigued, the policeman asks,"What's your name, boy?"
"Shut up."
"Where are your manners, boy?!"
"Manners is up the tree."
"Boy, are you looking for trouble???"
"No sir, Trouble is looking for me!"

Superman flying

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything.

Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batcar.

Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away.

Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK)

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Multi colored

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

Old men shaking hands

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally he allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

I work for 7-UP

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

funny movie titles

some funny movie titles (mostly porn movies)

A Beautiful Behind

Womb Raider

Schindler's Fist

Shaving Ryan's Privates

Glad he ate her

Driving Into Miss Daisy

Riding Miss Daisy

Batman in Robin

Blowjob Impossible

Dyke Hard

Star Whores

Sorest Rump

Edward Penishands

Gangbangs of New York

On Golden Blonde

How Stella Got Her Tube Packed

In Diana Jones and the Temple Poon

Saturday Night Beaver

Sick Degrees of Penetration

Legally Boned

Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)

When Harry Ate Sally

Romancing The Bone

Lord Of The G-Strings

White Men Can't Hump

Ocean's 11 inches

American Booty

Pulp Friction

Swollow Hal

Spankenstein

Breast Side Story

Blown in 60 Seconds

Buffy The Vampire Layer

Buttman and Throbbin'

Rambone

Sperms of Enderarment

School of Cock

Free My Willy

Sperminator

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

Proof Bill Gates is Evil

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is know as Bill Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his III, you get the following:

B=66 I=73 L=76 L=76 G=71 A=65 T=84 E=69 S=83 I=1 I=1 I=1

Total = 666

Divorce Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

dildo wildo

A WOMAN IS GOING UPSTAIRS WHEN SHE HEARS A HUMMING NOISE COMING FROM HER DAUGHTERS BEDROOM. SHE LOOKS IN THE DOOR AND SEES HER DAUGHTER PLEASURING HERSELF WITH A DILDO. SHE GOES DOWNSTAIRS AND TELLS HER HUSBAND ABOUT IT. HE SAYS,"LEAVE HER ALONE,SHE'S 35 YEARS OLD AND IF IT MAKES HER HAPPY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT". A COUPLE DAYS LATER THE MOTHER IS WALKING BY THE LIVINGROOM AND HEARS THAT HUMMING COMING FROM THE COUCH. SHE RUSHES IN AND SEES HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH THE DILDO SITTING IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO HIM.SHE YELLS,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING"? HE SAYS,"WATCHING THE GAME WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.

Cats and Dog

How Cats and Women Are Alike

1. They do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.

2. Both take up too much space on the bed.

3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.

4. Both are threatened by their own kind.

5. Neither understands what you see in cats.

6. Both want dominance.

7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.

8. Both chase cars.

9. The larger ones tend to drool.

10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

whats the nationality

On a high hill top just outside of town sat a small house that had a red light on the front porch. There were three men in and/or around the house, the first man was running up the hill toward the house, the second man was in the house, and the third man was meandering down the hill away from the house. What is the nationality of the three men?

The first man, running up the hill toward the house, he be a Rushen.

The second men, the one in the house, Himalayen.

The third man, meandering down the hill away from the house, he be Finish.

letter scrambles

DORMITORY:

When you re-arrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you re-arrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you re-arrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you re-arrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !

When you re-arrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you re-arrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you re-arrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you re-arrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you re-arrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you re-arrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you re-arrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you re-arrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you re-arrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you re-arrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you re-arrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

oneliners

Twitter has been great source for oneliners for me. I really love them. Here are some for you all to enjoy:

Man comes home from work & tells his wife: i fired the truck driver Bcuz he allmost ran me over WIFE: i think u should give him 1more Chance

Met my bank manager today. He asked me the quickest way to hospital, so I pushed him in the path of a passing ambulance.

My wife has just delivered twin boys and let me name them.From her reaction, I'm guessing Pete and Repeat wasn't the best choice.

I've noticed, if you're scared of spiders they always turn up in your bedroom. Using that logic.. I'm scared of blonde girls with big boobs

My wife said whatever i get her for her birthday, she will wear. so i'm buying her nothing, it's a win-win situation.

Twitter Account

I found few users in twitter who post really funny one liners. You can also follow them:

http://twitter.com/funnyoneliners

and

http://twitter.com/funnyhumour

So, follow these guys and laugh out aloud!