Hell Delimma

So a guy dies and goes to heaven. He's pretty happy with this, so he takes a look at how people are doing down in Hell. He sees a guy with a bottle of good beer and a hot chick. He asks a saint "Hey, this guy in Hell has beer and a hot chick! How come I don't?!" The saint says "You're not looking closely; the bottle of beer has a hole in it and the chick doesn't."

Lobsters

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

Fart problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Pierre the Fighter Pilot

Love is in the air.

"Pierre, kiss me!" says Marie. Pierre grabs a bottle of wine and splashes the wine on her lips and kisses her.

"Why did you do that?" she asks.

"Because I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I have red wine."

Now things are heating up a bit.

"Pierre, kiss me lower," says Marie. Pierre tears open her blouse and splashes white wine on her breasts and kisses her breasts all over.

"Why, Pierre?" she asks.

"Because I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I eat white meat I have white wine."

"Now things are really getting hot and Marie begs, "Pierre, kiss me even lower..." Pierre rips off her pants and splashes cognac on her and lights it on fire. Marie asks, "Why, Pierre??"

"Because I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I go down... I go down in flames!!!"

Two fleas

Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night. "Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony, and I had the best seat in the house, in the conductor's beard. Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed, and I was flung into the soprano soloist's cleavage. That wasn't bad , nice and warm and all, but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs. I stayed there and fell asleep, but there is one thing I don't get. When I woke up, I was in the conductor's beard again."