Hell Delimma

So a guy dies and goes to heaven. He's pretty happy with this, so he takes a look at how people are doing down in Hell. He sees a guy with a bottle of good beer and a hot chick. He asks a saint "Hey, this guy in Hell has beer and a hot chick! How come I don't?!" The saint says "You're not looking closely; the bottle of beer has a hole in it and the chick doesn't."

Divorce Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."