Bank Robbery

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

3 Dogs at the Vet

3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

poetry competition

The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.”

The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

The redneck went to the finals.

Speed of your motorcycle on different stages of your life

Speed of your motorcycle on different stages of your life:
no girlfriend: 70-80 kmph
yes girlfriend: 50-60 kmph
after engagement: 40-50 kmph
after marriage: 30-40 kmph
after having kids: 20-30 kmph

funny facts

did you know??

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs